Dang.

Holy crap. Seems like only a few years ago I decided to get my shit together. Oh yeah, it was relatively a short time ago. Man, I remember long before things started happening, I came across the notion that instead of being a genius(lol) it might be a good idea to start conditioning myself with the mantra every morning of, "Dude, you don't know shit." I fully believe that this opened the door to change. Sure as shit took a while, but there was a lot of ego in the way. Heh heh...,How quick I forgot though. Pretty soon I knew everything. Lol, even fancied myself doing  Gods work. Pretty much just transferred a bit a bit of common sense living into a bit of grandiosity, the same sort that drove my existence for years. Suddenly, I went from insanity to doing the work of deity. Lmao, what about working on myself?
     I was one of those idiots who spouted that everything I needed to know was in the first 164 pages of a certain book. Even though the writers of the unmentioned book made it quite clear on the last of those pages that they didn't know everything....I would mock you for disagreeing.
     Freaking bitch to come face to face with that contradiction. "HP, tell me what you want, just don't let it deviate from those 164 pages." Friggin funny if it wasn't so tragic. It's been hard to get back into that, "I don't know shit mentality." Matter of fact, I'm not always there. Sometimes I feel like a member of a fundamentalist sect of some religion that claims unique knowledge of a gods will. Insane right?
     Well, I'm trying. Some days better than others. Some times I question whether resentment really is the number one offender, spiritual fantasy has to run a close second. I just hope I keep suffering when I get cocky, I'd hate to let fantasy turn into resentment on the regular like it always had. Almost fun to catch myself being an idiot and watch things began to straighten out, I like growing up. Mistakes and pain can't always make me fold, sometimes growing up is just down right fucking fun...

Lines In the Sand, Man.

    Well it sure has been a while since I put anything down. I almost have too much to write about, so much I've learned about myself in the last few months...I need to put it down to help me make sense of it all.
    I guess the most important place to start is boundaries. Boundaries. I've been taught that if I have a problem with someone, the problem is within me. It would seem that I have grossly misinterpreted this statement. I took it to mean that whenever I was uncomfortable in a relationship or situation, I was the root of the problem. This is ironic because, truly, I've felt that way my whole life. After all, what else is low self-esteem except the belief that you don't measure up? Somehow, in a manner not yet known to you, you've fucked up and need to find out what's wrong with you to make someone else happy with you?
    Well that's pretty fucking twisted. Get this...know matter what religion or philosophy you subscribe to, no matter your expertise in the arts of forgiveness and compassion, there's folks that need to be told to "Fuck off." Simple as that. Out of the million years, give or take, that man has been on the planet, it's only the last few thousand years that anyone has espoused anything as ludicrous as "Turn the other cheek." Turn your cheek enough and you end up a quivering lunatic who doesn't deserve the title "Human." Dog or cow perhaps, but certainly not human.
    So boundaries. If you behave in this manner, you will never again be welcomed in my life. "Ahh, but everyone has their faults." "Yeah, well buddy you ain't all that and a bag of chips, you should be a little less harsh." Fuck that.
    I never set any healthy boundaries and my identity, my sense of self is shattered in about 6000 contradicting pieces.
    So basically, I'm not interested in your opinion of my behavior, I've watched you and I'm not impressed. If I come across someone who strikes me as mentor material, trust me, I'll let them know. Don't volunteer. You'll get upset with my response.
    Don't feel you can rip me a new asshole,tell me I am going to burn in any version of hell or volunteer unqualified evaluations of my spiritual state. I will tear your head off. You've been warned.
    If you're interested in me romantically, don't make plans for me, or imagine me as you think I "should" be. I've got my own plans and you won't be in them.
    Make sure your own back yard is pristine before you let me know how you would have landscaped differently. Believe me, I'll be checking out your house. The minute you offer advice, I'm going to assume you're looking for it as well.
    Fair? I think so. Those are a few boundaries. I've already ended some unhealthy relationships with folks who didn't think I deserved to have rules to protect myself. That's another post for another time though.
    So listen, if this offends you...fuck it. Beat feet. That's not my problem, there's plenty of folks who still enjoy being manipulated so you can feel good. Delete me...we all gotta have boundaries after all, right? ;)

Humanity to Opportunity

“A monk once went to Gensha, and wanted to learn where the entrance to the path of truth was. Gensha asked him, ’Do you hear the murmuring of the brook?’ ‘Yes I hear it,’ answered the monk. ‘There is the entrance,’ the master instructed him.”

-Carl Jung in a foreword to the book “An Introduction to Zen Buddhism” by D.T. Suzuki

                I don’t pretend to be a master of Buddhist philosophy, but there is a simple elegance to the above quote. My understanding of most things I’ve learned changes as I grow and no doubt what I see here will do the same as time goes on.

                The brook is always true to its nature. The water in the brook has but one mission, to flow downhill, and in that mission it will not be stopped. Downhill it goes, effortless parting at obstacles, momentarily changing course only to resume its original course at the first opportunity. Nature or man may build a dam that blocks its natural path, only to have the accepting water find an alternate route to continue.

                The water in the brook accepts its own nature. It does not pause to consider whether its fellow water molecules approve of the job its doing. It does not fret over whether its creator wants it to go left or right, it merely goes where it is natural for it to do so. Water doesn’t fear the outcome of its existence or what lies at the end of its path. It simply behaves as water behaves.

                I am human, ironically composed of mostly water, and yet find myself often refusing to be human. I’ve lived in fear of life, afraid of being myself with all my flaws and afraid to address them in change. I’ve fretted over the belief that I was created flawed by a god who would punish me for being exactly as He made me, born into the only circumstances I could have been born into. I’ve reacted with horror to the thought of making mistakes in front of my peers as if my imperfections would negate my very existence.

                And yet, as the water in our brook, momentarily turned aside from my true path by an obstacle, I can once again find the way of true humanity and continue in serenity. My mission as a human gifted with life is simply to live. Any other goal is an illusion and to be recognized as a potential source of misery. I do not need anyone’s approval to be perfect in my humanity; I already am and always have been. Like the uncarved block, I entered this world complete and perfect and only through strenuous effort on my part have I ever achieved imperfection to any degree.

                I embrace my humanity, my flaws, my ups and downs, my pain and my joy. It is who I am at any given moment and given that, completely perfect.

Take Up Your Bed And Walk...

Well for those of you who don't know, addiction gets called a disease in many circles. There's reasons for this, some good, some vague and the label is endlessly and, in my unasked for opinion, needlessly debated from one end of the social spectrum to the other. I know I managed to get myself addicted to various drugs and now I'm not. Cool beans, 'nuff said. The one thing that does bother me about the disease label is what a lot of us do with.

                "My disease wants me dead." I hear this one often, along with "I'm always gonna be sick." Really? Let's talk about that first one. "My disease" isn't a physical entity. It was a way I dealt with life. I couldn't cope with anything. I never learned. I used alcohol to ease the frustration and emotional pain of life. My perception of life, its events and my role in them was skewed and this caused an incredible amount of emotional conflict which eased a bit when I used. Ironically, the more I used this method, the less it worked and the more conflict it created. Eventually I had to dump so much medication on the shit pile, I couldn't do anything else. It's all I thought about.

                There wasn't a malevolent creature crawling around in me, constricting my muscles in such a manner as to cause a bottle to rise to my lips. I simply wanted to feel good. My disease didn't want anything from me. I wanted to feel good. Period. When I took steps to change my perceptions, I found that: a) Life wasn't as confusing/frustrating as I had made it out to be.  b)I could still learn the coping skills I never learned as a child  and  c)I really don't ever have to be miserable again. Pretty cool, all in all. I had to take ownership of my circumstances first though. There was no outside force causing me to behave the way I did, no third party trying to kill me. My thinking was fundamentally flawed. When my thinking began to change, my desire to comfort myself in a manner that by all accounts no longer worked...ceased. Quite contrary to wanting to kill me, the grouping of misinformed human traits that eventually found comfort in alcohol, wanted me to live and be happy. With new direction and input, they are quite happy with their new perspective and looking forward to growing. I don't have to sleep with a psychic gun under my pillow to be prepared for the psychotic killer that wants me dead.

                Now...about this whole "I'm always gonna be sick" bullshit. I found sobriety through a spiritual approach to life. I believe that a power greater than myself restored me to sanity. I don't know what folks who plan on being sick for the rest of their lives are doing, but they might wanna try something different. Stop wallowing in your fucking disease. No need to be so  melodramatic. You aren't using anymore, stop acting like an addict. Typical untreated addict behavior. "Look at me!! Look at me!!" Cheese and crackers, get on with your life and stop looking for an excuse not to be normal. Go out into the world and put the things you've learned to use. Join the human race. Whole lot of "Trust in God" talk going on unless it comes to relinquishing the victim role. Then it's "I'm always gonna be sick." Playing with fire there, hombre. Don't stand too close to me, I don't wanna get anything on me. If you still feel sick, you ain't doin'  it right. Period. Read the manual again and see what it says, don't just spout the party line. Make sure you understand the original instructions and then move along.

                My disease wanted me happy and I just didn't know how to be that way. My disease was my humanity experienced through dirty and scratched lenses. I wear contacts now and like what I see. My "disease," my humanity does too. You ought to give it a try. Shit ain't so bad. Have a nice day, if you choose to.

Right Here, Right Now....

               Living in the "now" is an interesting phrase. We hear it often, are told how important it is, say "Yes, I know" and bob our heads, but do we really know what it means? This was something that baffled me for a long time. Of course I lived in the now, how could one live anywhere else? What kind of mystical bullshit are you trying to sell me? It's taken some time, and like every other concept I come across, its meaning evolves and takes on new meanings as time goes on and experience colors theory.

                Tomorrow hasn't happened yet. In fact, it never happens. Any image of tomorrow we conjure up is illusion. A fantasy. I do spend an awful lot of time considering that magical place though, and I suspect, others do as well. I've learned that expectations cause an incredible amount of suffering and yet, isn't trying to set up the events of tomorrow indulging in the grandest sort of expectations? For my plans to come to fruition, wouldn't an insanely large number of people and events have to behave exactly as I expect them to? "Well," you might say, "I know tomorrow I'll wake up and go to work, just like every other day." Will you? How the hell do you know that? Who told you? If that scary monster under your bed gets hungry tonight, you might not be going anywhere tomorrow outside of whatever passes for Tupperware in scary monster leftover land. Anyways, I've got a lot less control over tomorrow than I used to think I did and there's really not much point in thinking about it.

                Yesterday, ohh boy, now there's a tricky one. Son of a bitch to let go of, ain't it? If you're like me, you've probably spent an obscene amount of your today's replaying your yesterday's. Don't be ashamed, it's not an easy habit to break. Just as hard to remedy is building our now on past accomplishments. Giving a guy a quarter 10 years ago doesn't brand you a generous soul today. I can get a lot of mileage out of what I did yesterday, real and imagined, if I'm not careful. I need to grow. That means yesterday doesn't count. Tomorrow, I'll be different, no point in trying to plan for a situation that I'll have no idea how I'll react in. The only plan I can make is based on how I behave today and hopefully, I'll behave differently tomorrow. That's my plan, heh..heh.. Besides, resting on past deeds is a good way of me not having to check how I behaved today and that's scary shit my friend.

                So, living in the now. How have I come to terms with this little pearl of wisdom? It has everything to do with acceptance. Not that I'm cool with everything that happens, every second of the day. That would be nuts. Life happens and sometimes I step in it. I don't have to like everything. Anybody that tells you they are 100% cool with life is full of shit. Period. If your dog gets run over by a pick-up truck driven by your ex-wife, you most certainly would not be 100% cool with that. What I mean by acceptance is that I realize that everything that happens is the only possible outcome given the events that led up to that thing happening. I can't change the now. But I can live in it. It's the only moment I can live in.

                So, the past is gone and highly colored by my perceptions of what took place, the future has far to many variables to warrant me worrying about it, but I do have now. Very cool place to be.

I Went Down To The Cross Roads...

                I'm standing at a crossroads today. I've been working in the substance abuse field for a short time, thinking that it would be good training for when I finish my schooling. The trouble is, after witnessing first hand and hearing the experiences of addicts and their parents in dealing with the industry itself, I really don't know if I want any part of it. Like any business, it's business is making a profit, and to that end it's a fairly greasy business. Yes, I'm sure the industry has plenty of good folks working in it, I've met many myself along the way, but that's not the issue. This is more of a personal moral issue. Hold on tight because this is probably gonna get weird.

                I am gonna try to explain where my head is at with this in the rest of this post, so just bear with me for a bit. I feel a presence in life. Some may call it God, the Spirit, the Universe or whatever, it has never told me it's name, but I feel it there none the less for that. Since I began trying to develop a relationship with this presence and heighten my awareness in it, my life has undergone some profound changes, all of them positive. It's almost as if my life is proceeding as it should, naturally. I don't consider myself enlightened, after all I didn't discover anything, I just stopped ignoring it. A direct result of this is that I don't have any struggles. If I do stray from the "path,"  if you would, my own spirit suffers dramatically and quickly. Please remember that I am not trying to convince you of anything, this is just my experience and what I feel to be true.

                Folks that subscribe to any organized faith won't have any problem understanding what I say, I'm sure they go through the same thing. If I feel that there is something underlying, running through and responsible for creation and I consider myself someone who is trying to build an understanding  and relationship with that something, I must be very careful to not do or support anything that may offend it. How can I profess respect and insult it at the same time? It's like a christian saying they love their creator and driving a car. Everything about a car, from its method of propulsion and the infrastructure that supports it to what it is made of, rapes creation. As any christian can tell you, you can't love God and piss on Him at the same time. Tends to aggravate him.

                So my conception of what I sense is something that is natural and true. I have no basis to describe it any better, so I won't try. That's not my place. I have to assume that since it answered me, or at least allowed me to tap into it, it is not a respecter of persons. Apparently anyone can join in(lol). That being the case I have to recognize everyone from that perspective. I have no business causing anyone any harm for my own benefit. That would include lying to them. Folks familiar with a 12 step program will recognize this from the instructions they should have received about making amends. You don't go dredging up the past at another's expense just to make yourself feel good. It defeats the purpose if you cause harm apologizing for causing harm.

                How do I come to terms with this? I don't feel comfortable with the compromise of "God understands." Back when I was involved in christianity I was exhorted to separate myself from the world. I can relate to that now. It means just what it says. You can't have your cake and eat it too. For a supposedly godly country, there isn't much for a man to do to support himself in such a manner as to not piss off any god I can think of. You'd be hard pressed to find any industry that doesn't fall into the same category as the car I mentioned above. I guess we've kind of painted ourselves into a corner as a species with our self reliance.

                I really just want to do right and continue to grow spiritually. I asked to be lead and feel that I am being led. The answers seem obvious, either completely embrace the presence or continue to mock it as we do in our daily lives. If I continue to live as I have been, I can't very well tell anyone how to get in touch with a higher power, I would be undeserving of that link myself. I often wonder how people of faith convince themselves that they are their gods messengers or being used or blessed by their god in light of how we live and disrespect creation every minute of our lives. I love that I don't struggle with existence and seem to be on the right path. In beginning to understand how a man should live, I don't want to lose any ground. The spaces in between the knowing are dark places though indeed and sometimes hard to weather. Things work out, they always do. Answers come, they always do. Waiting still sucks though.

He told you to tell me WHAT??

One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that I'm not special. There probably aren't any special plans for me set in motion by the deity of my choosing and yeah, this very well may be all there is for me. Believe what you want, but you don't know what any gods will is anymore than I do. Before you go quoting scripture and all that, remember, you're only going on what another man told you. You don't "know" shit. That's the essence of faith, believing something someone told you for no other reason than the fact that you like the way it sounds.

                I was always full of grandiose dreams, plans and ideas. That is the main qualifications of a self centered ego, isn't it? Well of course God let me experience all the trouble in my life. He had big plans for me, didn't He? Never mind that I was the cause of all my problems. Never mind that I never had to live the way I did. The Universe's plans hinged on me. Didn't they? Now that I've got some semblance of sanity in my life, It's plans can proceed. Ha!

                I actually believed that for a while. Somehow, my being an asshole for 98% of my life qualified me to be a messenger of God. I was gonna save the world. The funny thing is that this thinking went against everything I was taught. I was taught that all my troubles were of my own making. I was taught that I couldn't..no, didn't even have the right to try to change anyone. And yet, I was going to go on a mission and tell folks how they should live? Laughable.

                Do I have a purpose in life? Well, I'm a biological organism and like every other organism in creation, yeah, I guess I do. That would be to survive. That's the only thing I can be sure of. Haven't been given any other specific instructions. Neither have you. I don't care what you heard on your 700 Club DVD. None of us knows shit.

                I try to avoid telling others how to live, it's dangerous ground for me. I seem to have found some truths that seem to work for me. I might be wrong though. The minute I "know" something, I stop growing. I stop improving. I am claiming perfection in that area. If I start thinking I'm perfect and complete in my knowledge of life, I don't have to focus on myself anymore and that's what got me in trouble in the first place. Thinking I was smarter than the rest of the world and worrying about how it should act. Don't want to go there anymore. I guess if the way I live and think ever impresses anyone I can tell them what I did, but not what I believe. That might change tomorrow. What I think might be truth today, could turn out to reveal itself as a complete absurdity tomorrow. Then what would I do? Spend the rest of my life hunting the people down and tell them I made a mistake? "Woops, fucke'em"  just wouldn't cut it.

                I try to avoid people that claim to be carrying any god's message or doing any god's work. I guess if they were really doing or carrying what they claimed, they wouldn't have to tell anyone...it would be obvious. I can't imagine any higher power needing a lower power as a go between. Heh...heh...didn't need one for Adam, doesn't need one for you or me.

                So yeah, I'm just a guy learning how to accept each moment of my life for what it is. Another moment I won't get back. Hope I made the most of it!

Good advice.

Not My Job Man

Is it ever okay to say, "Fuck'em?" When somebody comes to me saying they want help and then persistently screws up, when can I say, "You know what man, you need to move along?" Do I even have a right to adopt that attitude? I know a lot of folks would say that God never gave up on me so I can't give up on anyone, blah, blah, blah...Well, when do I stop being of assistance and start being an enabler?

                I think after the first time you answer someone's plea for help, and they mess up after you give it, you're off the hook. Anything else is on you. If I ever find myself thinking, "WTF is wrong with this person?" ,  I haven't accepted the simple fact that I can't control anyone's behavior. That's dangerous ground spiritually.

                There's only one thing that someone in a position of teaching can do: Tell someone else what they know. It's the listeners job to act on it and the teacher carries no responsibility to ensure that they do so. Poke, prod and cajole into learning what you came to me seeking? No. Clean up your mess after you didn't act on what you've heard? No. Not my job man.

                Throughout my life, I heard a lot of good advice and was told by many folks how to turn things around. I didn't listen to anyone. An awful lot of people(myself included) experienced a lot of needless suffering due to this. When I had personally had enough though, I remembered everything I had been told and used that knowledge to get on a different path. These people didn't follow me around repeatedly picking me up and pointing me in the right direction, they had moved on. My point is this, I will tell you what I know and then back off. I have no idea how and when that information you get from me will be processed or used. Maybe never. What I've done for someone or told to someone may simply not be enough to turn that little light bulb on in their head.

                Of course, if someone is just asking me how to turn on a computer and I tell them to press the power button and they instead put a pencil in the USB port, no one would blame me for running that person out of the room. Why should it be any different if someone comes to me with their life, emotions and spirit in a shambles?

                Scenario: Someone comes to me with a drug problem and asks me to teach them how to get sober. I tell them the only way I know how to do this: pray, meditate and try not to be a self-centered jerk in the process. Two weeks later, they are still a mess and when questioned if they are doing what I suggested they answer, "No" to any one thing. I tell them to have a nice life then and walk away. "Call me when you're sober, bro." Makes you uncomfortable, huh? Why? I don't have any more knowledge to give. I can't force anyone to act, that would be illegal. I don't have that authority. I don't know when the right combination of  input and experience will click with a person to make a change kick in. I don't know how big the pile of bullshit needs to be for any individual to finally break and become open to a new idea. Either do you. Heaven help the poor soul that we latch onto thinking we are going to be it's savior. No human power can do that.

                My focus is on me. If I continue to worry about my own growth, and take steps to do so, it will reflect in every aspect of my life. My personal relationships grow. I will continue to be a person that meets his responsibilities. I will not introduce chaos into your life, nor allow yours to linger in mine. I learn every day. The more I learn about myself, the more I can impart to someone who seeks.

                There's a great prayer that has tremendous influence in my life. I constantly find myself drawn back to it, to meditate on its words and contemplate their implications. Once I got past the Christian "Thee's" and "Thou's" and focused on what it was imploring, I fell in love with the power of its emotion.

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Alcoholics Anonymous pg63

This is what changed my life. "God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt..." I was done trying to fix myself. Nobody else could fix me. I asked what ever power(s) that be to fix me however It saw fit. No stipulations from me. I was willing to be changed into a totally different organism if that was as "Thou wilt." The next part is important too, "Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will." I was unwilling to accept external guidance. Every move I made, every decision reached, every action taken, came from my self will. I was unteachable. The bondage of self kept me immobilized in a state of non-change. The self was rancid. It could not repair it's own decay. Your car won't fix itself. I asked God to do this. Some folks would interject at this point, that God speaks to them through other human beings. But if I'm taught that no human power can fix me, this is obviously not the case. Spiritual folk may impart what they have come to realize, but they don't have the power to fix me. "Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness..." Remove my obsession. The one that no one could help me with. Let folks see that it is gone. Let them ask how it was done. And finally, let me continue to remember this compact. Let me continue to grow. Let me continue to be an example. Not an enforcer. Not a proclaimer or denouncer.

                I can't live by this creed and think I have the power to convince anyone of anything. I can only tell what I've come to believe. I cannot impose my will upon others. It violates this compact I've made. It would seek to put me in charge, which was where I started. I am responsible for my own spiritual well being and cannot presume to be responsible for anyone else's. I would just be getting in God(s) way.

I cannot save you.

Spiritus Contra Spiritum

Why do I need God? Well, I don't. Either does anyone else I guess. I know, I'm just being a smartass but there's a method to my madness....sort of. The guy who made sure I was following the directions to get sober  correctly is fond of saying(not an exact quote),"Some people don't need God to live, but guys like me and you do." What's he mean by that? Why couldn't I just keep rolling the die until the perfect combination of life situations came up and everything became rainbows and sunshine?

                I suppose I need to discuss my understanding of addiction a little bit. The only difference between an addict and a non-addict is how we cope with problems. Yeah, yeah...I know you hear about genetic differences these days but if there's a gene problem that makes me crave alcohol it would stand to reason that a significant chunk of earth's population can't function without satisfying their orange juice craving. They would be seen lying in the streets next to the folks whose lives have been destroyed due to their expensive ketchup jones. And yet, we don't see this.

                A non-addict wakes up in any town America, spills his coffee, curses a bit and then laughs about it with his buddies, thereby processing the event and the stress encountered with it and then goes about his merry way. An active addict wakes up in any town America, spills his coffee, curses a bit, and then curses some more and wonders why this shit keeps happening to him. He then curses some more and wakes up 3 days later in a Mexican prison and then has to answer disturbing questions about his recent activities. No positive coping skills. One woman burns the family's dinner and says "I meant it to come out like that" or hustles up something else real quick with none the wiser while another curls up on the couch with a bottle bemoaning the fact that nobody appreciates her. No positive coping skills.

                I could have rolled the die until I was old-testament old and not seen a rainbow or even had a hint of sunshine in my forecast. It wasn't my life that was the problem. It wasn't genes that were my problem. It wasn't bad associations that were my problem or the places I hung out. I couldn't cope with anything. My only way of dealing with any situation that life had to offer, good or bad, was to self-medicate. It's important to step back and consider the following: How much data has a person collected, processed and stored throughout his life from one second to the next and how much is the multitude of stored and processed data from each second interwoven with the data from every other second and given that this data is used to cope with each new second, just how insanely complicated would it be to sift through each piece of data and modify each relevant one, one at a time to achieve a change in thinking? How was any human going to accomplish that for me? I needed help from a whole new level. I needed a complete psychic make-over. Fast. An obsession doesn't lessen...it's either there or it ain't. There wasn't going to be any "just don't take that first drink" bullshit for me. I told you, I couldn't not drink. I was powerless. If I could just not take that first drink, we wouldn't even be having this little chat.

                Why do I need God? Not the God described in texts. Not the God screamed at me from a pulpit. Not the God that wants me to send a donation so you can build a  bible college in Kenya. I needed something to answer me and show me I wasn't crazy, just wrong. Show me that life isn't a mistake or a curse. Show me that when I sought out help...the Universe fucking cared. I asked and, go figure, I received. Just like that. I didn't have to go it alone and I don't have to be confused every moment of my life. I don't have to figure out how to control events and people, I can just live. Turns out I didn't really ever need to know the "Why" of things. Most of it ain't my business. I was given life, my job is to live it. I don't need a higher presence in my life...I fucking want it. Once you establish a contact, once you get a glimpse of a different way of thinking...how could you not? Don't look for any God someone tells you about. Their description and instructions are going to fall short of the mark. Just look.

You Want A Peace Of Me?

I've just been trying to get my head around something this morning. With the recent events in Libya playing out, I've noticed an awful lot of comments concerning the president and anti-war statements. "Why don't the Dems scream their heads off about this President?" and "Where is the army of homeless folk protesting when there's a Dem president in office? Are they suddenly not homeless?" Good questions to be sure, but that's not what I'm trying to come to terms with here.

                Does anyone really believe that there is a difference, deep down, between any political or social group? World peace? What is the precedence? Christians say there can't be world peace until after Jesus returns. When folks talk of peace, the shit will hit the fan in 'biblical' proportions. A Christian, by protesting for world peace is really asking for Armageddon to happen which in a sick and twisted way is the complete opposite of world peace. Eastern philosophy seeks to find the peace within the individual, which brings up its own questions. Most philosophical views of thought arise in protest of some sort of perceived conflict. Buddhism, Marxism and Christianity are witness to this.

                I put this statement out there: Human nature causes the author of a particular school of philosophical thought to become upset and slave over his/her particular utopian answer to the problems of man. Most philosophies look cool on paper but have yet to work in the real world. Instead of worrying about implementing world peace, wouldn't it be better to work on implementing 'personal' peace?

                Here's my point. Finally. It isn't human nature to get along. Somebody will always be in charge and a whole bunch of folks will never be. Just the way it is. We can brag about how we are created in God's image or divine in nature or just 'reasoning' creatures, but it may just come down to evolutionary biology. We are pack animals. It's how we made it this far. One of us has been imposing his will on the rest of us since we first started throwing shit at each other in the big prehistoric monkey exhibit known as human history. War just boils down to imposing my will on you with a big stick. It really isn't much different from an argument and usually just as non-conclusive. There will always be someone who is uncomfortable with any given current set of life circumstances and will set out to change them. Recorded history shows know other reality. Man, they found Neanderthals that appear to have died with the aid of their fellow cavemen. What on earth makes someone think they can suddenly impose peace on human nature? Crazy.

                If you want to be different, work on creating peace within yourself. If you are trying to impose it on your neighbor you have just negated the very peace that you were trying to enact. I can be a source of peace but not the source of peace. I guess this still doesn't answer the question "Why do folks insist on thinking human nature is suddenly going to change because they have hand-crafted a cool sign sporting a witty slogan?"

                Perhaps all of the philosophy we have indulged in over the centuries has put us so at odds with our natural state that the only way to achieve any sort of comfort within ourselves is to impotently rage at an imaginary foe whose defeat we believe will cause rainbows and sunshine to spontaneously erupt from our more murderous brethrens assholes? I don't know, that event is probably a long shot given our history. What's wrong with embracing our humanity exactly as it is? Why not concern ourselves with only ourselves? This might be a much more fruitful past-time than pissing into the wind.

Try to add this to your self-affirmations.

Life's What You Make It.

I'm getting ready to make a major life change. Most of you would think I'm crazy for doing what I'm about to do but I've got my reasons. I find myself at this late stage in life sitting atop a mountain of missed opportunity. I know...somebody call an waa-ambulance. Don't be so quick to judge, hear me out.

                I've lived most of my life in fear and self-delusion. I have shown an uncanny ability to either completely miss fine opportunities altogether or turn them into world class fuck ups. I'm not dwelling in the past here, that last statement has relevance. When life drops situations into my lap, I almost feel guilty now to let them pass. I've learned that some things just shouldn't be ignored. A favorite saying of mine is, "If you are afraid to take chances, don't bitch about your miserable life." I've been asking for guidance. I've been asking for a full life. I've been asking for courage to live it. Do you think I should hide from the results of those requests? Ahem.."God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with and do as you see fit...", "Whoa! Unless it involves stepping out of the box!" Yeah, right. Not this guy. I'll tell you what, when you start getting a few direct answers from a very powerful source that you didn't think was listening...you'd better start acting on what you get.

                I wanna put all my money on a long shot. I want to make glorious mistakes and yell, "Doh!" loud enough for the whole world to hear. I want to find success where few would have the balls to look. I was dying for so long I don't want to miss a thing.

                Life is pretty interesting and not half as scary as I envisioned it for all these years. I'm gonna live it. :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBP3Y3CJpzA&feature=related

What Do You Think?

Well I'm feeling a bit ashamed of myself today. Had a run in with a preacher who jumped into a conversation I was having with another friend. I don't know why dealing with judgmental religious folks never ceases to "trip my trigger(Thank you for this great saying, my Sweet Sonja)." I don't necessarily care what another person believes, it's not my business. Why do I care if that belief causes them to be narrow minded and overtly concerned with the spiritual state of others? Very strange behavior on my part indeed.

                I think I mentioned earlier the pact I made with God. After struggling with my addictions for 30 some odd years I was finally willing to admit defeat. Some friends who had successfully dealt with their own problems had suggested that asking a higher power than myself for help might work. Initially, this posed a problem for me. Having spent some time studying the literature and doctrines of the most prevalent faith in my country, and finding them wanting, I had dismissed religion entirely. What's a guy supposed to do in that situation. Mention God around here and folks can't even conceive of anything other than an old man with a beard dispensing arbitrary acts of judgments upon his creation seemingly only dependent upon which side of the bed he woke up on. The texts and doctrines have been so distorted by man as to have lost any validity to the rational mind.

                I told all this to whatever was listening. I explained that I desperately wanted to be what I was supposed to be but just couldn't get it together or even know what to believe anymore. I said that I would never listen to another man, seek God's word from another text...I only wanted God's direct assistance. Arrogant? I don't think so. All religious tradition talks about God speaking directly to folks and that's what I wanted. The local dogma around my way is that man is inherently incapable of being righteous or godly. However that same dogma expects me to listen to another man tell me what God's will for me is. Ridiculous.

                Folks around here are constantly telling me about a book that is God's word. How do they know this? Because the book tells them so. If I read a restaurant's brochure telling me that it's the best restaurant on the planet, does that make it so? If a car company's commercial names itself the best automobile around, does that make it so? We will condemn a person for not believing the same about a book though. Strange.

                Any how, after making this pact with God, to never look to another piece of literature or to another man for guidance concerning Him, my obsession was lifted, never to return.

                There is a passage in that same book I mentioned earlier that states ,"If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind  his soul with a bond; he shall not break  his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth." There's another in there somewhere too that states God remembers oaths and another that says something about a dual minded man being just about useless. How could anyone, knowing the oath I took, and the results I experienced as a result of it AND knowing this text And professing to live by it even remotely consider that it would be a good idea to break my oath? I would no sooner do that than chop off body parts. I have also had a few folks suggest that demons had removed my obsessions just to keep from their "one true way." Welllllll......if that's the case, so be it. Everyone had their chance to answer me, and if only a demon saw fit to do so, it is what it is. Got my doubts about that scenario though. It would have to have been a real positive thinking demon I guess.

                Okay, back to it. What do I care about what another person feels I should do? I guess my sense of security is threatened here. In spite of the amazing changes that have taken place in my life by living up to my oath. I certainly can't in good conscience deign to tell anyone else how to manage their relationship with God. Can't hold any double standards, and yet I constantly find myself wanting to go there. I am going to be going back over that oath in my meditations and get back in touch with the implications of it. Would be spiritual suicide not to. Thanks for listening and take care. :)

Who Asked Me Anway?

In the circles I travel in, you hear a lot about living a spiritual lifestyle, or living by spiritual principles. What's this mean? Damned if I can define it easily. It's probably one of the most difficult things to sell to someone who wants to get sober or is just curious about how I did it after being drunk for so long.

                I guess I should refer to a dictionary and take it from there. Let's see...I've got a Webster's New World  handy. Give me a second to see what the good folks there have to say about what spirituality is. Well they say it's "of the spirit or the soul." Not very friggin' helpful is it? When I was a kid I couldn't use a word in its own definition. Guess it's good to be the dictionary king.

                As I said in an earlier post, one of my main problems is my self-centeredness. Stands to reason that any change in my behavior would have to involve a change in my defects . Right? I have to be willing to look outside of my center for guidance. My own self-reliance had failed me repeatedly over the years. Badly. So where do I look for that? Do I need the help of another man to tell me every move to make? More importantly, do I want another person telling me what I should believe and how I should act? What if they're as sick or sicker than me? Yikes! If the answer isn't inside me, why should I be able to find it in them? What if they're on their own journey and are in one of those places where we find ourselves so often, where we have to back up and unlearn something for our own sanity before finding a healthy path again? Kind of risky if you ask me.

                I guess the roots of spirituality for me would be the idea that something was in existence outside of the physical realm. Something that may or may not have an interest in me. Now before you religious folks choke, just relax and take a deep breath. You expect us to listen to you and believe, I just want you to listen. I don't care what you believe. Not my business.

                It's not that I don't think a religious person can be spiritual. The evidence I've seen show's otherwise. I've met Muslim, Native American, Hindu and even the odd Christian here and there who are obviously being guided by something more than the average soul can lay claim to. More often than not, religion gets in the way though. Folks tend to worry more about who's following the rules closer than about trying to get to know whatever is out there. My advice is to try to separate yourself from religion as much as possible. If whatever is there wants, it'll come sit down next to you and hammer out some stone tablets regarding your behavior. I know I would. Let go of what you've been told and let something bigger than any of us take over. If you can't bring yourself to do that you're either chicken or just not interested in finding the truth. I'm not asking you to abandon any faith you have, just consider that you might not have all the answers. Face it, how are you going to get to know something you think has already been neatly packaged and explained for you? Would you rather I told someone all about you? What you like, what you want etc...etc...? Or would you rather that person let you tell it? That's what I thought.

Tick Ticking Away....

10 p.m. and I'm fucking exhausted. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately and it's throwing me off. Can't even meditate properly. I've been told, and I believe it wholeheartedly, that if I want to remain sober and continue to grow, I have to be selfless. For those of you who don't know about addiction, it's all about self will run riot. Everything we do as addicts is about us, we are an extreme case of selfcenteredness. Yeah, we might help an old lady across the street, but not to help the old lady...we only do it because it makes us feel  good. We don't care about you, your feelings or your plans. You are just a means to an end.

                That being said, an element of the solution to our problem is helping others while expecting nothing in return. Not an easy charge at first (for this guy anyway), but incredibly effective when you get the hang of it. Now, my dilemma is this: at what point can I say, "Enough's enough?" This isn't really something anybody can answer for us either, I don't think there's any doctor recognized recommended daily allowance of selflessness that we can rely on to get us through. I do know that I've been learning about establishing boundaries for myself in how I deal with others. I only recently learned that it's okay to break off a relationship that makes me spiritually uncomfortable. Christ, at 44 years old I'm learning shit that the average 11 year old is old hat at! Heh...heh...at  least it never gets boring. So the question I'm asking myself lately is this, "Where do I draw the line and say 'Man I'm tapped out, I just can't help you with your shit?' " This is some risky business here. Because I know the importance of helping someone else, I don't want to be the guy someone turns to and is rebuffed. Might have taken every ounce of courage for the dude to approach another man and put his shit out there. Listen, I know I can't save the world. I'd love to but I know it's not gonna happen. I am extremely tired of fucking up though. I know I'll develop a healthy answer with enough prayer and meditation, just right now things are a bit sketchy and that has me edgy.

                I've been getting to know a beautiful woman lately. Great looking and she gives great conversation. It's been a very long time since  I've been able to talk about things beyond the superficial with a woman I'm attracted to. She asked me what made me tick. Now there's a good question. Obviously good conversation and pretty women (Lmao!). I had to give this some serious thought though, it's a really good question after all, isn't it? Do you know everything that makes you tick? Everything that turns you off? Why those things make you tick and why they turn you off? I never really considered it before, but I gotta admit she's got me thinking about it.

A Whole 'Nother Beast?

                So last night, as I'm getting ready to drift off to sleep, I was bitching myself out for not being able to give up the cancer sticks. I really feel the damage that I've done to my lungs over the years, I'm tired all the time, everything is an effort...if you've smoked, you know what I'm talking about. What bothers me is that I was given a real simple solution to rid myself of the obsession to be drunk 24/7 and for whatever reasons, I can't make that solution work with cigarettes.

                When I drank, I had a mental obsession to drink that was so strong I could think of little else. The obsession manifested itself in constant plotting and planning ways to get booze, dictated where I hung out and who I became involved with and ultimately kept the constant juggling of lies and denial of any problem so entrenched in the forefront of my mind that it felt like it had an actual physical presence. That sucker had weight. Some folks gave me an answer to that problem and when I applied it as directed the problem was gone. I was also told what I had to do to keep that problem gone and so far, so good. I'm dropping the ball with the smoking though.

                I don't "feel" the obsession to smoke, I just do. I don't plot and scheme to smoke, I just do. I don't care whether you smoke or not and I don't care where I am...I'm a smoker regardless. I don't remember a physical craving for alcohol. I do know that one exists in some alcoholics, I just never experienced it that way. I needed to be drunk to feel good, if I could have got that feeling from orange juice I would have been on it.

                The second I am without cigarettes my body goes insane and the mind follows shortly thereafter. I don't have a desire to smoke anymore...that's gone. Some level of my conscious and my body beg to differ there though.

                Last night I smoked the last Marlboro in the pack, prayed and meditated over it. Begged the powers that be for help. Assured myself that this time I would make it. Felt a little scared, but all in all pretty confident. This morning I got up and despite a redo of last night's exercises headed out to the store for another pack of smokes. Fuckin' A. This isn't an isolated incident either. Happens almost every night and morning.

                Here's what I'm going to do. Try it again. I wanna use this space to talk about what happens. Pull it apart. The solution works, that's not in question. It's me that is fucking up the program here, not the powers that be. I've experienced a solution to my addictions and to assume it's selective is ludicrous...that just doesn't fit. Those of you who know what I'm talking about will understand. Those of you who don't...well, you'll just have to follow along.

                I'll write later tonight, I'm sure I'll have other stuff to talk about on the way. I'll try to keep you entertained. Take care and God(s) bless.