So last night, as I'm getting ready to drift off to sleep, I was bitching myself out for not being able to give up the cancer sticks. I really feel the damage that I've done to my lungs over the years, I'm tired all the time, everything is an effort...if you've smoked, you know what I'm talking about. What bothers me is that I was given a real simple solution to rid myself of the obsession to be drunk 24/7 and for whatever reasons, I can't make that solution work with cigarettes.
When I drank, I had a mental obsession to drink that was so strong I could think of little else. The obsession manifested itself in constant plotting and planning ways to get booze, dictated where I hung out and who I became involved with and ultimately kept the constant juggling of lies and denial of any problem so entrenched in the forefront of my mind that it felt like it had an actual physical presence. That sucker had weight. Some folks gave me an answer to that problem and when I applied it as directed the problem was gone. I was also told what I had to do to keep that problem gone and so far, so good. I'm dropping the ball with the smoking though.
I don't "feel" the obsession to smoke, I just do. I don't plot and scheme to smoke, I just do. I don't care whether you smoke or not and I don't care where I am...I'm a smoker regardless. I don't remember a physical craving for alcohol. I do know that one exists in some alcoholics, I just never experienced it that way. I needed to be drunk to feel good, if I could have got that feeling from orange juice I would have been on it.
The second I am without cigarettes my body goes insane and the mind follows shortly thereafter. I don't have a desire to smoke anymore...that's gone. Some level of my conscious and my body beg to differ there though.
Last night I smoked the last Marlboro in the pack, prayed and meditated over it. Begged the powers that be for help. Assured myself that this time I would make it. Felt a little scared, but all in all pretty confident. This morning I got up and despite a redo of last night's exercises headed out to the store for another pack of smokes. Fuckin' A. This isn't an isolated incident either. Happens almost every night and morning.
Here's what I'm going to do. Try it again. I wanna use this space to talk about what happens. Pull it apart. The solution works, that's not in question. It's me that is fucking up the program here, not the powers that be. I've experienced a solution to my addictions and to assume it's selective is ludicrous...that just doesn't fit. Those of you who know what I'm talking about will understand. Those of you who don't...well, you'll just have to follow along.
I'll write later tonight, I'm sure I'll have other stuff to talk about on the way. I'll try to keep you entertained. Take care and God(s) bless.
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