10 p.m. and I'm fucking exhausted. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately and it's throwing me off. Can't even meditate properly. I've been told, and I believe it wholeheartedly, that if I want to remain sober and continue to grow, I have to be selfless. For those of you who don't know about addiction, it's all about self will run riot. Everything we do as addicts is about us, we are an extreme case of selfcenteredness. Yeah, we might help an old lady across the street, but not to help the old lady...we only do it because it makes us feel good. We don't care about you, your feelings or your plans. You are just a means to an end.
That being said, an element of the solution to our problem is helping others while expecting nothing in return. Not an easy charge at first (for this guy anyway), but incredibly effective when you get the hang of it. Now, my dilemma is this: at what point can I say, "Enough's enough?" This isn't really something anybody can answer for us either, I don't think there's any doctor recognized recommended daily allowance of selflessness that we can rely on to get us through. I do know that I've been learning about establishing boundaries for myself in how I deal with others. I only recently learned that it's okay to break off a relationship that makes me spiritually uncomfortable. Christ, at 44 years old I'm learning shit that the average 11 year old is old hat at! Heh...heh...at least it never gets boring. So the question I'm asking myself lately is this, "Where do I draw the line and say 'Man I'm tapped out, I just can't help you with your shit?' " This is some risky business here. Because I know the importance of helping someone else, I don't want to be the guy someone turns to and is rebuffed. Might have taken every ounce of courage for the dude to approach another man and put his shit out there. Listen, I know I can't save the world. I'd love to but I know it's not gonna happen. I am extremely tired of fucking up though. I know I'll develop a healthy answer with enough prayer and meditation, just right now things are a bit sketchy and that has me edgy.
I've been getting to know a beautiful woman lately. Great looking and she gives great conversation. It's been a very long time since I've been able to talk about things beyond the superficial with a woman I'm attracted to. She asked me what made me tick. Now there's a good question. Obviously good conversation and pretty women (Lmao!). I had to give this some serious thought though, it's a really good question after all, isn't it? Do you know everything that makes you tick? Everything that turns you off? Why those things make you tick and why they turn you off? I never really considered it before, but I gotta admit she's got me thinking about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment