I'm standing at a crossroads today. I've been working in the substance abuse field for a short time, thinking that it would be good training for when I finish my schooling. The trouble is, after witnessing first hand and hearing the experiences of addicts and their parents in dealing with the industry itself, I really don't know if I want any part of it. Like any business, it's business is making a profit, and to that end it's a fairly greasy business. Yes, I'm sure the industry has plenty of good folks working in it, I've met many myself along the way, but that's not the issue. This is more of a personal moral issue. Hold on tight because this is probably gonna get weird.
I am gonna try to explain where my head is at with this in the rest of this post, so just bear with me for a bit. I feel a presence in life. Some may call it God, the Spirit, the Universe or whatever, it has never told me it's name, but I feel it there none the less for that. Since I began trying to develop a relationship with this presence and heighten my awareness in it, my life has undergone some profound changes, all of them positive. It's almost as if my life is proceeding as it should, naturally. I don't consider myself enlightened, after all I didn't discover anything, I just stopped ignoring it. A direct result of this is that I don't have any struggles. If I do stray from the "path," if you would, my own spirit suffers dramatically and quickly. Please remember that I am not trying to convince you of anything, this is just my experience and what I feel to be true.
Folks that subscribe to any organized faith won't have any problem understanding what I say, I'm sure they go through the same thing. If I feel that there is something underlying, running through and responsible for creation and I consider myself someone who is trying to build an understanding and relationship with that something, I must be very careful to not do or support anything that may offend it. How can I profess respect and insult it at the same time? It's like a christian saying they love their creator and driving a car. Everything about a car, from its method of propulsion and the infrastructure that supports it to what it is made of, rapes creation. As any christian can tell you, you can't love God and piss on Him at the same time. Tends to aggravate him.
So my conception of what I sense is something that is natural and true. I have no basis to describe it any better, so I won't try. That's not my place. I have to assume that since it answered me, or at least allowed me to tap into it, it is not a respecter of persons. Apparently anyone can join in(lol). That being the case I have to recognize everyone from that perspective. I have no business causing anyone any harm for my own benefit. That would include lying to them. Folks familiar with a 12 step program will recognize this from the instructions they should have received about making amends. You don't go dredging up the past at another's expense just to make yourself feel good. It defeats the purpose if you cause harm apologizing for causing harm.
How do I come to terms with this? I don't feel comfortable with the compromise of "God understands." Back when I was involved in christianity I was exhorted to separate myself from the world. I can relate to that now. It means just what it says. You can't have your cake and eat it too. For a supposedly godly country, there isn't much for a man to do to support himself in such a manner as to not piss off any god I can think of. You'd be hard pressed to find any industry that doesn't fall into the same category as the car I mentioned above. I guess we've kind of painted ourselves into a corner as a species with our self reliance.
I really just want to do right and continue to grow spiritually. I asked to be lead and feel that I am being led. The answers seem obvious, either completely embrace the presence or continue to mock it as we do in our daily lives. If I continue to live as I have been, I can't very well tell anyone how to get in touch with a higher power, I would be undeserving of that link myself. I often wonder how people of faith convince themselves that they are their gods messengers or being used or blessed by their god in light of how we live and disrespect creation every minute of our lives. I love that I don't struggle with existence and seem to be on the right path. In beginning to understand how a man should live, I don't want to lose any ground. The spaces in between the knowing are dark places though indeed and sometimes hard to weather. Things work out, they always do. Answers come, they always do. Waiting still sucks though.
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