Well for those of you who don't know, addiction gets called a disease in many circles. There's reasons for this, some good, some vague and the label is endlessly and, in my unasked for opinion, needlessly debated from one end of the social spectrum to the other. I know I managed to get myself addicted to various drugs and now I'm not. Cool beans, 'nuff said. The one thing that does bother me about the disease label is what a lot of us do with.
"My disease wants me dead." I hear this one often, along with "I'm always gonna be sick." Really? Let's talk about that first one. "My disease" isn't a physical entity. It was a way I dealt with life. I couldn't cope with anything. I never learned. I used alcohol to ease the frustration and emotional pain of life. My perception of life, its events and my role in them was skewed and this caused an incredible amount of emotional conflict which eased a bit when I used. Ironically, the more I used this method, the less it worked and the more conflict it created. Eventually I had to dump so much medication on the shit pile, I couldn't do anything else. It's all I thought about.
There wasn't a malevolent creature crawling around in me, constricting my muscles in such a manner as to cause a bottle to rise to my lips. I simply wanted to feel good. My disease didn't want anything from me. I wanted to feel good. Period. When I took steps to change my perceptions, I found that: a) Life wasn't as confusing/frustrating as I had made it out to be. b)I could still learn the coping skills I never learned as a child and c)I really don't ever have to be miserable again. Pretty cool, all in all. I had to take ownership of my circumstances first though. There was no outside force causing me to behave the way I did, no third party trying to kill me. My thinking was fundamentally flawed. When my thinking began to change, my desire to comfort myself in a manner that by all accounts no longer worked...ceased. Quite contrary to wanting to kill me, the grouping of misinformed human traits that eventually found comfort in alcohol, wanted me to live and be happy. With new direction and input, they are quite happy with their new perspective and looking forward to growing. I don't have to sleep with a psychic gun under my pillow to be prepared for the psychotic killer that wants me dead.
Now...about this whole "I'm always gonna be sick" bullshit. I found sobriety through a spiritual approach to life. I believe that a power greater than myself restored me to sanity. I don't know what folks who plan on being sick for the rest of their lives are doing, but they might wanna try something different. Stop wallowing in your fucking disease. No need to be so melodramatic. You aren't using anymore, stop acting like an addict. Typical untreated addict behavior. "Look at me!! Look at me!!" Cheese and crackers, get on with your life and stop looking for an excuse not to be normal. Go out into the world and put the things you've learned to use. Join the human race. Whole lot of "Trust in God" talk going on unless it comes to relinquishing the victim role. Then it's "I'm always gonna be sick." Playing with fire there, hombre. Don't stand too close to me, I don't wanna get anything on me. If you still feel sick, you ain't doin' it right. Period. Read the manual again and see what it says, don't just spout the party line. Make sure you understand the original instructions and then move along.
My disease wanted me happy and I just didn't know how to be that way. My disease was my humanity experienced through dirty and scratched lenses. I wear contacts now and like what I see. My "disease," my humanity does too. You ought to give it a try. Shit ain't so bad. Have a nice day, if you choose to.
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