Why do I need God? Well, I don't. Either does anyone else I guess. I know, I'm just being a smartass but there's a method to my madness....sort of. The guy who made sure I was following the directions to get sober correctly is fond of saying(not an exact quote),"Some people don't need God to live, but guys like me and you do." What's he mean by that? Why couldn't I just keep rolling the die until the perfect combination of life situations came up and everything became rainbows and sunshine?
I suppose I need to discuss my understanding of addiction a little bit. The only difference between an addict and a non-addict is how we cope with problems. Yeah, yeah...I know you hear about genetic differences these days but if there's a gene problem that makes me crave alcohol it would stand to reason that a significant chunk of earth's population can't function without satisfying their orange juice craving. They would be seen lying in the streets next to the folks whose lives have been destroyed due to their expensive ketchup jones. And yet, we don't see this.
A non-addict wakes up in any town America, spills his coffee, curses a bit and then laughs about it with his buddies, thereby processing the event and the stress encountered with it and then goes about his merry way. An active addict wakes up in any town America, spills his coffee, curses a bit, and then curses some more and wonders why this shit keeps happening to him. He then curses some more and wakes up 3 days later in a Mexican prison and then has to answer disturbing questions about his recent activities. No positive coping skills. One woman burns the family's dinner and says "I meant it to come out like that" or hustles up something else real quick with none the wiser while another curls up on the couch with a bottle bemoaning the fact that nobody appreciates her. No positive coping skills.
I could have rolled the die until I was old-testament old and not seen a rainbow or even had a hint of sunshine in my forecast. It wasn't my life that was the problem. It wasn't genes that were my problem. It wasn't bad associations that were my problem or the places I hung out. I couldn't cope with anything. My only way of dealing with any situation that life had to offer, good or bad, was to self-medicate. It's important to step back and consider the following: How much data has a person collected, processed and stored throughout his life from one second to the next and how much is the multitude of stored and processed data from each second interwoven with the data from every other second and given that this data is used to cope with each new second, just how insanely complicated would it be to sift through each piece of data and modify each relevant one, one at a time to achieve a change in thinking? How was any human going to accomplish that for me? I needed help from a whole new level. I needed a complete psychic make-over. Fast. An obsession doesn't lessen...it's either there or it ain't. There wasn't going to be any "just don't take that first drink" bullshit for me. I told you, I couldn't not drink. I was powerless. If I could just not take that first drink, we wouldn't even be having this little chat.
Why do I need God? Not the God described in texts. Not the God screamed at me from a pulpit. Not the God that wants me to send a donation so you can build a bible college in Kenya. I needed something to answer me and show me I wasn't crazy, just wrong. Show me that life isn't a mistake or a curse. Show me that when I sought out help...the Universe fucking cared. I asked and, go figure, I received. Just like that. I didn't have to go it alone and I don't have to be confused every moment of my life. I don't have to figure out how to control events and people, I can just live. Turns out I didn't really ever need to know the "Why" of things. Most of it ain't my business. I was given life, my job is to live it. I don't need a higher presence in my life...I fucking want it. Once you establish a contact, once you get a glimpse of a different way of thinking...how could you not? Don't look for any God someone tells you about. Their description and instructions are going to fall short of the mark. Just look.
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